My moon shot

I took this picture last night. Cath and I are attending the “Alien Worlds” evening class at the University of Glamorgan. Last night was the first visit to the University’s observatory tower, on top of one of the teaching buildings.

Access is up a stepladder from a shoebox-sized office. The telescope itself is wonderful, the biggest robotic telescope in the UK. It cost over £100,000 to install, but has a wonderfully eclectic mix of old and new technologies. The computer lets the telescope automatically track the stars across the night sky, but the observatory main door is opened by a switch that’s so high up on the wall it has to be operated using a stick.

Car Notes

Both of our cars got vandalised on Tuesday night. Three tyres were slashed, causing a day off work and £150 of damage. The police were called and they dutifully made notes and noises along the lines of “there’s nothing we can do”.

They balked at my suggestion that they should issue guns to citizens to protect their property. I’ll have to make do with a baseball bat.

Killer Sheep

It would be funny if it wasn’t so tragic. Three members of a family from Ebbw Vale were killed last Friday when, it appears, they swerved to avoid a sheep on the Aberbeeg to Crumlin road. Here’s the Western Mail’s story.

It reminds me of my crash caused by a sheep. I was driving from Merthyr to Ebbw Vale on the unlit part of the Heads of the Valleys (A465) road late on a Friday night back in 2005. There was a group of sheep on the road, and I swerved to avoid them. I hit one though, causing over £1,000 of damage to my car and the sheep was a write-off.

I duly reported this to the police, asking that they should find out who owned these sheep so that I could claim against them for the damage to the car. I pointed out that the evidence was lying on the side of the road with its feet in the air. Despite this, they were “unable to identify the owner” and so I copped the hit on my insurance.

Worse still, since the police seem unable/reluctant/not bothered to tell farmers about gaps in their fencing, then there’s nothing happening to stop further incidents happening. Just like the one last Friday night.

If Microsoft made TV dinners

1. You must first remove the plastic cover, but understand that it means agreeing to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). They may, however, smell and look at your dinner. You must tell them how good it is.

2. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: \mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//. You then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\ /yumyum:-)gohot#cookme. If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start.

3. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

4. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners are subject to frequent crashes, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter: ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap. This process may have to be repeated, and might solve your problem.

5. Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. Microsoft says these are for future menu items. However, the tray is so large that it will only fit in the largest industrial ovens, forcing many users to upgrade.

6. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

7. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

8. Users get excited about having veggies with their Microsoft dinners, often telling their friends about it, as though this were something new. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after 2004. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

9. The box for the TV dinners is so large that it will not fit in many smaller freezers, and the shape prevents the storage of any other brand of dinners. Microsoft dinners are often not compatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. Calling Microsoft Help will elicit the explanation that your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

One Year Old

This blog is one year old, but shows no signs of growing up.

In the last few weeks alone, the site has had “hits” (stop me if I get too technical) from Peru, India, the Philippines, Argentina, Portugal, Ireland, Canada, the USA and from across the UK. There have been over 500 visits to the site since I started logging traffic in July. That’s far too many people with an unhealthy interest in rugby and life in the south Wales valleys.

I’d like to thank my fans, my agent … (that’s enough Oscars stuff – Ed).

Cube Notes

We’ve had a new voicemail installed. It’s supposed to enable telephone number mobility for hot-desking and even home-working. Of course, the new system doesn’t work yet.

Instead, if I’m not at my desk callers get the greeting “Welcome to Hi-Path Expressions”. People I’ve spoken to think that they have mistakenly rung either a beauty parlour or a greeting card company.

Astronomy Notes

As we were sitting in week 2 of our Astronomy course at the University of Glamorgan, the strains of a Glenn Miller-style big band could be heard as they practiced nearby at the campus. The song? Van Morrison’s Moondance.

Sustainable BS

I’m tired of being lectured at by politicians and celebs like Bonio on why I shouldn’t fly any more and not eat food that’s travelled more than a couple of furlongs.

Rod Liddle has similarly got his arse in his hand. Here’s an extract from Sunday’s article:

“Somebody should do an audit to work out the size of the carbon footprint left by members of the Green Cretinati, such as pop stars hectoring us on air travel from luxury rainforest lodges and David Cameron scampering up the wrong glacier. This was the week of politically correct environmental destruction by the useless royals. Chazza is planning a round trip of 7,000 miles on a fuel-hungry Boeing to New York simply to pick up a Global Environmental Citizen prize. This jaunt is probably the equivalent of personally strangling 500 dolphins, or uprooting 1,000 trees, or stabbing a couple of pandas in the throat.

“Responding to the furore, Charles said he would not be going skiing in Klosters, a trip he may not have intended to take in the first place. In that spirit I pledge that I will not travel to Mozambique next week. “

Great stuff. The full article is here.

Thought for the day

Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

This week’s sign of the apocalypse

It’s reported that school head Robert Gardner wants pupils to wear slippers so the polished wood floor at the new £5million Willowtown Primary in Ebbw Vale will not be scratched.

Magic Notes

One of the more bizarre things I’ve seen in recent times was the magician with the mullet at Amanda’s 40th bash on Friday night. He was “Vladimir Demetri Kokov from the former Russian republic of Moldovia”. In reality he was a really funny guy with a good magic act and a dodgy accent from Barry.

Travel Notes

1. Had a meeting in Birmingham yesterday. This involved catching a train. Or more specifically, four trains just to get there.

First there was Arriva Trains Wales from Ponty to Cardiff, then First Great Western (Last Worst Western according to some) to Bristol, Virgin Trains to Birmingham New Street and Centro out to the ‘burbs. Bizarrely the return journey was yet another company, Central Trains. If it takes five railway companies to run a service covering 110 miles, no wonder the railway system in Britain is in such chaos.

I have to say that, overall, the experience was a good one; all the trains ran on time and there were seats available. I know that it’s not a representative sample though, and a wider range of views on the state of the railways can be found in this chat forum.

2. My Arriva train into Cardiff was delayed the other morning, so there was an announcement at Radyr that to make up time the train would run “non-stop” to Cardiff.

Of course, this doesn’t actually mean that it goes any faster: it simply stops in the countryside instead of at platforms. It missed 3 station stops and made 3 countryside stops instead. Needless to say we didn’t make up any time at all.

It’s pretty obvious really. Last time I checked trains can’t overtake each other when there’s only one set of rail tracks.

Rugby Notes

Another fine win for Ebbw Vale on Saturday, this time at Swansea, 23-18. It’s not often that we come away from St Helens with a win, which made this result even sweeter. Another great display by the forwards, and they were rewarded with three tries for the front row union. Swansea had the best player on the field in openside Ben Lewis.

Other results mean that we have now opened up a four point lead. Here’s the latest table.

Next Saturday Ebbw visits Llangennech in their first round and last 32 of the Konica Minolta Cup.

Scorers: 2 tries for “meaty” prop Kristian Gay (that’s what the Swansea Evening Post called him – rather them than me) and one for new hooker Ben Roberts. One conversion and two penalties for the ever-improving Dai Langdon.

Highlights: The rolling maul, which finally took hold late in the game and sealed the victory.

Lowlights: The dismal effort by the ref, who singularly failed to penalise Swansea’s wheeling in the scrum, the flankers not binding at the scrum and the endless niggle that always seem to happen in a Swansea game.

In other rugby notes, the picture at the top of this post is of Toulouse’s sub Trevor Brennan landing a punch on a fan, who probably said something naughty to him. There’s a full match report here.

NFL Notes

It was the worst possible set of results on the weekend.

The evil and charisma-free Peyton Manning and his Indianapolis Colts beat the New England Patriots 38-34 in a nail-biter. The Pats had plenty of chances to put the game away, having had a 21-3 lead in the first quarter. A couple of huge drops by Reche Caldwell late in the game gave the Colts the chance to come back. And come back they did.

In the earlier game, the Chicago Bears beat (newly anointed as America’s team) the New Orleans Saints 39-18. Chicago’s Rex Grossman passed for just 144 yards, but didn’t throw any interceptions and their running backs accounted for 199 yards. My worry is that if Drew Brees can get 250 yards against them then the evil Manning could do well.

Full stories are on Sports Illustrated’s website. The Superbowl on 4 February will be Bears and Colts at Miami, and I’ll be firmly supporting the Bears.

Happy birthday

It’s the 40th birthday of TCMS (the current Mrs Smith), otherwise known as Amanda. To celebrate here’s a picture from a few years ago - she’s on the right. Tesco driver Gary is on the left, getting in some early practice.

Blood donation notes

Gave my armful on Wednesday. To quote Tony Hancock’s blood donor sketch further: “As I was lying on the bed, the nurse held the needle and said “you’ll feel a bit of a prick.” Well, I did feel a bit foolish.”

That’s 20 donations now. If I read the rules properly, that now qualifies me for executive club status with the Welsh Ambulance Service.

Travel Notes

1. Did I miss the new law that says that it’s now OK for everyone under the age of 25 to drive without a seatbelt?

2. The launch of a driving skills refresher course in Wales is a start, but doesn’t go far enough. Re-tests should be made compulsory, every five years or so.

We have MoT tests for cars – every year once they are over three years old, but a one-off test for drivers is all that’s required. Clearly the vast majority of drivers learnt to drive before things like indicators and roundabouts were invented, because no bugger knows how to use them. Here’s a quick refresher.

IT Notes

Now that I’ve got an iPod, I wanted to download some of my CD collection onto iTunes. The CD drive on my laptop then proceeded to pack up. So I’ve just had it fixed by a University of Glamorgan IT student-y person; he even collected and delivered. He was very good though, and cheap too. Here’s a link.

Thought for the day

Time flies like an arrow,
Fruit flies like a banana.

Squirrel Notes

Where do squirrels live? The internet, http://www.squirrels.org/, tells me that they build nests called dreys, which are made of twigs and leaves. The interior is lined with fur, feather or other soft material for comfort, and they’re built high in a tree between two strong branches.

The ridiculously mild winter continues apace, which means that there has been no need for the squirrels to come foraging into our garden. There were plenty of squirrels to be seen in Ponty Park this morning, collecting up the debris from yesterday’s storms. Judging by the pace that the squirrels were working at, they’re constructing a condo somewhere high up in the trees.

Cricket Notes

Glamorgan have announced the return of first class cricket to Abergavenny for the 2007 season. They will take on Leicestershire in a four day game starting on 25 July.

I’ll be there for at least one of the days, remembering times of the flat-track bully Graeme Hick caning Glamorgan’s attack to all parts of the ground/town, and also one of Beaufort cricket’s finest moments when we knocked off Abergavenny in a 20-over cup game. DJL took the catch off Robbo’s bowling with the last ball to win the match.

No news yet on whether Glamorgan will return to Ebbw Vale for a one-day game; there are still a few venues to be agreed.

Give Blood

Give blood? I do. My next pint ("that’s nearly an armful" © Tony Hancock) is being taken tomorrow. Here’s all the details you can want.

Now, there’s no excuse is there? There are even sessions at Ebbw Vale rugby club next month.

For Sale

In work there are for sale and wanted boards on our company Intranet. The best entry in recent memory is:

"For sale: A concatenated wardernharl. Original 3 plistled model with bi-valved down tubes and double grinded splatwhistling tweakers. Never used, still in cage. £42"

I tried to buy it but got the message: "Sorry Martin, sold out. By luck though I've just had an attennuationary scrimslicer in. You can have it for £10 if you've got a small arms licence or £15 if only a small knees licence."

Fantastic. The spirit of Spike Milligan lives on.

Fraud Notes

I heard a story this week of a guy whose daughter used to use the dog's name to register on websites. Shortly thereafter their dog (Oliver) started receiving a lot of junk mail. Included were pre-approved offers for credit-cards.

All of this correspondence went directly into a shredder and they had a good laugh about it. The daughter has been told not to use their "actual address" and the problem stopped.

Now the papers are reporting that a woman in Australia used her cat's name to apply for a secondary credit-card, and was able to get a new account for the feline. The stated reason she did this was to prove that it's too easy to commit credit-card fraud.

She (the woman, not the cat) is quoted as saying: "You don't need to hack into the internet when you can just steal someone's credit card number and create a card for yourself."

In fact, had Messiah been a fraudster – and not a cat – Katherine wouldn't even have known the card existed. She wasn't notified that a second card had been issued. Messiah could have put a different address and the card would have been sent there and I wouldn't have known.

If it's that easy for a cat to get credit, imagine what a dog could get.

And here’s a great story, with lots of pictures, giving you all good reason to go out and buy a shredder today.

Link of the Week

Food Down Under is a library of thousands of recipes. All you do is type in a couple of ingredients and it comes up with suggested dishes. It lists recipes by country too. A good find (thanks Jon).

Cute pictures of the week

German photographer Tanja Askani has a huge array of wonderful wildlife pictures up on t’internet, but these real life Bambi and Thumper are the best of the bunch. (Link courtesy of Popbitch.)

This week’s sign of the apocalypse

"People should be thankful that a Lib Dem's going out with a straight girl." - Cheeky Girl Gabriela

Rugby Notes

A disappointing trip to the Talbot Athletic Ground on Saturday, where Aberavon proved to be too strong for Ebbw Vale. We lost 39-19.

Coach Alex Codling complained in the press (or failing that the Western Mail) that we were not helped by the "regional" Dragons by not making any hooker available, but while a lack of line out ball didn’t help, it wasn’t the difference between winning and losing.

Aberavon played the referee perfectly, living on the edge of offside and spoiling wherever possible. They were the first pack to match us up front, and they had some real pace amongst the backs too. Their scrum half Danny Hawkins was a complete pain in the arse too.

Our plus points? Well, the rolling maul looked good in places, and a couple of chances were well finished. We certainly weren’t 20 points worse than Aberavon though. Nevertheless, there was a distinct lack of composure and moves seemed to be overly hurried. A bad day at the office.

Ebbw Vale stay top of the Principality Premiership however (now with just a two point lead). Adopted home town Pontypridd are second and the evil empire Newport are third.

Scorers: Tries for lock Rhodri Dicks and both wings, Simon Hunt and Andrew Bevan. Two conversions for Dai Langdon.

Highlights: Not too many. The scrum looked as good as ever and the maul is now one of our key weapons.

Lowlights: Poor start (14-0 down after ten minutes) from which we never really recovered. Need the injury list to shorten soon, especially at numbers 2 and 7).

NFL Notes

The evil Indianapolis Colts saw off Baltimore in a dismal touchdown-free game. The other AFC game saw New England win a nailbiter at San Diego. In the NFC, New Orleans had a great win against the Eagles. The Chicago Bears won a tough game in overtime against Seattle.

So, in my predictions I went 2 from 4.

Next week it’s New England at the Colts and the Saints at the Bears. My picks in the championship games? The Pats and the Saints.

Is there life on Mars?

Wow! My mind has officially been blown. Cath and I went to the first evening session of a new course offered by the University of Glamorgan last night. Its part of their community outreach programme, and since it’s sponsored by the good old EU, it’s free.

The course is called “Alien Worlds”, and is going to cover all sorts of mind-blowing astronomy stuff. It will include field trips and the chance to use the University’s telescope – a 40cm telescope located on top of G block at the University – weather permitting of course! The “lecturer” (better description is the guy who chats about stuff related to astronomy) is Allan Trow, a PhD student and mine of fascinating information.

Some more detail on the course and the public lecture series are on the University’s web.

USA’s PBS site Nova has lots of scientific and astronomy stuff including web broadcasts; Heavens Above lets you get a copy of the night sky map from wherever you live; and NASA’s astronomy picture of the day has some truly amazing pictures, like the one at the top of this blog entry.

Link of the Week

A new searchable website has been launched which gives details of every person on a long-haul voyage from Britain after the 1890s. The website www.ancestorsonboard.com has been created in collaboration with the National Archives and records 1.5 million documents dating up to 1960. From this week the records from 1890 to 1899 will be available, the rest will be published in stages. This tranche covers a peak of emigration — an estimated 200,000 people left every year between 1890 and 1914 for the US, Canada and Australia.

It gives details of those seeking a new life in the colonies, and even the passengers on doomed vessels such as the Titanic are all included.

Many of the records from the Board of Trade (the precursor of the Department of Trade and Industry) also reveal passengers’ ages, addresses, marital status, occupations and nationalities.

NFL Notes

So the Eagles saw off the Giants 23-20 with the last kick of the game. That makes me 3-4 in week one of the playoff predictions.

That leaves the final 8 as:

AFC
Indianapolis at Baltimore (Saturday at 9:30)
New England at San Diego (Sunday at 9:30)

NFC
Philadelphia at New Orleans (Saturday at 1:00am)
Seattle at Chicago (Sunday at 6:00)

All the games are live on Sky. Now I realise why I pay my subscription – it certainly isn’t for the soccer or the live middle-of-the-night cricket either.

The predictions: Baltimore (its more heart than head, we just hate Peyton Manning), San Diego (much as it hurts me, LT and Rivers and Gates will be too good for the Pats to stop), New Orleans (although this one should be the closest), and Chicago (even though they don’t have any sort of QB).

So that’s the 4 home teams to win. No surprises I know. If I were to pick one upset it would be Philadelphia in New Orleans.

And how do you want your napkins folded?

One of the most bizarre questions I’ve ever been asked. Cath & I went up to the Peterstone Court yesterday to meet the wedding planner. She told us how weddings usually ran there, and we said “no” to almost everything. No formal introductions, no speeches, no top table. In the end though they were very accommodating, and things are starting to come together.

Birthday Notes

A number of happy birthdays greetings are required this week. Yesterday was the 10th birthday of my nephew Robert. Jon the Vet shares his birthday but is considerably older. Considerably older still is Philly, who celebrated his [censored] birthday on Friday. Congratulations one and all.

Injury Notes

At the end of the month I’m in hospital to have an operation on my shoulder. It’s for calcific tendonitis. In other words it’s a build up of calcium (a bone spur) which the tendon rubs against when my arm is raised. Anti-inflammatories and cortisone injections haven’t really made any difference, so now its keyhole surgery. There are some good illustrations here.

Oh, and Dai’s got a knee.

Smoke-free Notes

2007 will be the year in which the air clears in Wales, in more ways than one. On April 2, new laws come into force in Wales making it illegal to smoke in indoor public places. Given the growing medical evidence of the harm done to children and non smoking adults by passive smoking, I voted for the change in the law when it came before the Assembly. The medical and scientific experts reckon it will save around 300 lives a year, with the biggest benefit being felt by staff working in catering and the pub trade.

Restaurant Notes

Went for a pizza at Zio Piero’s on Cowbridge Road in Cardiff last week. I’m told that the menus (and the décor) haven’t changed in years but the food and wine was excellent, and so why change a winning formula? Its pretty much all you want – a nice meal in a down-to-earth atmosphere.

Rugby Notes

Another great win on Saturday, this time 37-23 against Bridgend. The BBC cameras were present, and Scrum V had a few minutes of highlights.

Ebbw dominated the first half but failed, to use the old Phil Gardener line, to turn pressure into points. The pack were awesome again, and the scrum seems to get better every week. It only creaked at the end when hooker Wilkes was in the bin and Kristian Gay went off with a calf.

In the second half though the backs finally clicked and scored some magnificent tries. Ebbw’s forth try was a blinder. From a scrum in our own 22, Patrick Horgan box kicked for Simon Hunt to run on to. Centre Gareth Miles supported well and Hunt’s offload after drawing the full back put him clear to the corner flag.

Thanks to Newport’s rain-out, we are now 5 points clear at the top of the table. There’s a tough run of 3 away games coming up now though. Aberavon away this Saturday, followed by trips to Swansea and then Llangennach in the Cup.

Scorers: Tries for Miles (2), Andrew Bevan (now with 7 on the season), new lock Rhodri Dicks and a penalty try (this was in the first 10 minutes, some kind of record), 2 conversions for Sam Mills and one for sub no. 10 Langdon, and 2 penalties for Mills.

Highlight: Some superb tackling by the back row. A couple of Bridgend players were slow to get up after some big hits (copyright Graham) from John Bowd, Craig Cleaver and Hywel Jenkins.

Lowlight: Injury list keeps growing. Kristian went off injured this week. According to the Western Mail, we have this week signed Dafydd Owen, a 36-year-old lock who was Aberavon captain 2 seasons ago, but who has not played since 2005.

NFL Notes

New England duly put away the New York Jets last night, making it a very successful weekend for Veale-supported teams. The Patriots took time to come to terms with the Jets defence though, and only pulled away late in the game. Dallas duly did prove too fragile to beat Seattle, muffing a field goal from two yards which would have won the game. Indianapolis proved to be way too strong for Kansas City, who never got going. Johnson’s running was completely ineffective.

2 out of 3 predictions correct, with the Giants/Eagles game to come.

Neologisms

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

The winners are:

Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

Pokemon (n.), a Rastafarian proctologist.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

The Washington Post, as well as being the home of Watergate, also happens to be home to some of the funniest sports writers around, including Tony Kornheiser and Norman Chad.

Travel Notes

Aggravating – Arriva Trains Wales has greeted the New Year by putting their prices up. My daily ticket has gone up by 9%. Thanks guys. That’s a great way to encourage people out of their cars and onto the trains. For the new higher priced ticket, I usually have the privilege of standing up for the entire evening journey home to Pontypridd.

Enjoyable – If you’re planning your summer holidays or any trip away, then Trip Advisor is an indispensable tool. It has hotel reviews from travellers as well as tips on sights to see and local insights. Very useful.

Thought for the day – Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

TV Notes – Things I hate about TV

The Vicar of Dibley, or more specifically Dawn French, and other woeful Christmas specials.

Ant. Or is it Dec? Well, both of them actually.

Reality TV shows. Shows for wannabes like Big Brother and the X-Factor, and shows for B- and C-list celebrities doing show jumping, ice skating and ballroom dancing. Just whose reality is it? It certainly isn’t mine.

Things I like about TV

Torchwood. That’s about it right now. At least until the new series of House and The Sopranos. So here’s a link to Uncle Wilco’s Torchwood fan site.

TV PS: Its full name is the “remote control”, but frankly, we control nothing.

TV Ad Notes

Note to the razor people: I'm pretty sure that I don’t need five blades to take a shave in the morning. We used to get by with just one and two was the standard for years, but now it’s just got out of control.

And what happened to the word “pounds” in TV ads? Nowadays a sofa costs “just three nine five”. 395 of what exactly? Beans?

Link of the Week

You can create a map showing the countries of the world that you have visited at this site, or a map of visited US states. You can then stick them up on your blog or website, just as I have done on my Flickr profile.

Rugby Notes

Here’s a link to a picture of the Ebbw crowd at Llandovery on Boxing Day. It was Hawaiian shirt and santa hat day (exactly why, nobody knows), and Wally, Geezer, Milo and co look resplendent. As usual though, Mike “shocking” has got his parka on.

NFL Notes

Sports Illustrated’s Peter King has a far better preview of the forthcoming NFL playoff games than I can ever manage.

Steel Egg

Spent part of New Year’s Day on Tresaith beach. Bit too brisk for a dip, but Marvin indulged. New Year’s Eve was a night in. Our house is in a perfect spot to see the fireworks over Pontypridd at midnight.

Saturday night was spent at the Welfare, the Ebbw Vale RFC clubhouse. Steel Egg, an occasional local rock band were playing. Fronted by Kevan Lines, a local lawyer and EVRFC director, the 40-something band knocked out 70s rock classics like Paranoid, Smoke on the Water, and Whole Lotta Rosie. Good fun.

Also good to catch up with Rob, DNG and DJL (and TFML?). Still can’t get my head around the extended pub hours, or perhaps its just my age. I want to go home by 11 or so, despite the pub still going strong.

Rugby Notes

Ebbw Vale saw off the (frankly poor) challenge of Cross Keys on Saturday, 21-3. Ebbw are somewhat injury-ravaged at the moment, especially in the pack. They made a new signing Friday in ex-international Hywel Jenkins after the No. 8 was released by Neath, and he was in the side Saturday. Apparently we had just 10 fit forwards available on Saturday morning. Jack, Dan, Nio and Gavin Donaldson were all missing from the back row, Ceaig Blunsdon and Matt Griffin from the 2nd row and a couple of hookers too.

Nevertheless, we comprehensively out-played a spectacularly one-diensional Cross Keys team, who wouldn’t have scored a try if they were still playing now. The scrum and rolling maul were superb and Dai Langdon at No. 10 had his best game for Ebbw, setting up two great tries.

Scorers: Tries for Kristian Owen and Gareth Miles and a late penalty try (for a collapsed scrum), conversions for Langdon (two) and Mills.

Highlights: Hooker Richard Wilkes’ openfield tackle on the Keys winger which completely stalled one of he few Keys attacks, and the regular big hits from John Bowd.

Lowlight: Late injury to Keys (and ex-Ebbw) back Jonathan Williams (Psycho) after a collision with a team-mate. Looked like a knee to the head, and he was taken off to hospital by ambulance. Hope its nothing too serious.

Crowd highlight: Best call from the bank for a while. Another Keys player was lying in the mud, being treated by their physio. Shout from the bank: “he’s got a crushed ego!”

NFL Notes

So it has all been sorted out and the playoffs are now set.

In the AFC, it’s the NY Jets at the New England Patriots and Kansas City at Indianapolis next weekend with San Diego and Baltimore getting byes. In the NFC, it’s Dallas at Seattle and NY Giants at Philadelphia with New Orleans and Chicago getting the week off.

My predictions? Wins for New England, Kansas City (Larry Johnson to run all over the Colts), Seattle (Dallas are too fragile) and the Eagles.

Ho Ho Ho

Had a very peaceful and relaxing Crimbo. Hope that you all did too.

Music Notes

Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas without Merry Xmas Everybody and Fairytale of New York. Throw in a bit of Bing and a few carols and there’s a Crimbo to warm the cockles of your heart.

I have now entered the hi-tech music world. I’ve now got an iPod nano (yep, it was a CP). I’m now furiously copying my CDs onto my iPod and downloading podcasts from iTunes.

Xmas Decoration Notes

Driving around the area over Christmas has been livened up by the Xmas deccies a lot of houses have put up. The most over-the-top decoration I saw this year was a six foot inflatable Homer Simpson Santa in a garden in Trelewis. Marvellous.

Restaurant Notes

Revisited the Nant Ddu Lodge near Merthyr on Christmas Eve. Again, very welcoming and attentive staff, good food and even a chance of celebrity spotting. Julien Macdonald, probably Merthyr’s only celeb, was there having lunch with his family. (Does that cout as a crap spot, or what?)

Rugby Notes

One of the scandals of the rugby fixture list is that there is a blank Saturday right before Christmas. Instead the round of games were scheduled for Boxing Day. Ebbw Vale duly travelled to Llandovery and came away with a 13-9 win.

I wasn’t there, but there are fulsome reports on the Ebbw Vale RFC site and the Ebbw Vale supporters’ forum.

Fantasy NFL Notes

Won the Championship game in my fantasy league. It was a real nailer-biter. I won out 76-75 over the hateable Colts Rule. My team selection was way off as a left 25 points on the bench, and it came down to a late TD by SF’s Frank Gore and last minute scramble by Dallas QB Tony Romo to get me the winning points.

Bring back…

The Times ran a column last week after readers were asked to nominate what ‘deeply unfashionable but useful things’ they would like to bring back.

Items nominated include hospital matrons, police officers who routinely plod the streets, Routemaster buses, red telephone boxes, public transport that isn’t aurally saturated with your fellow travellers’ choice of music, family meals round a table, good manners, National Service, a first postal delivery guaranteed to arrive before mid-afternoon, and school exams that children actually have a small chance of failing.

I fully agree with the sentiments of the list below, and found myself going “here, here” as I read through it. Proof positive that I am officially getting old.

Awnings in front of shops to keep the rain off customers and passers-by
Police stations that answer their own phones
Police stations, full stop
The notion of the customer always being right, or at least not always automatically wrong
“Customer services” departments that actually serve customers
Greasy spoon caffs that sell mugs of strong tea and real food
Celebrities who have some small measure of talent
Doctors who see you when you are poorly, rather than giving you an appointment next February
Blake’s Seven
Temperatures given in Fahrenheit in weather forecasts
Plays, films and TV dramas where every other word doesn’t start with an f
Blackboards in classrooms — and pieces of chalk that the teacher could throw at pupils not paying attention
Brown paper bags in greengrocers and supermarkets instead of non-biodegradable plastic ones
Sports clothing with the designer’s logo tucked discreetly out of sight
Hardware shops where you can buy a single cup hook (thank goodness for Harrisons in Ebbw Vale)
The sound of a “t” on the end of words ending in “t” — even when spoken by the Prime Minister in his “man of the people” mode
Unpretentious TV commercials that you can understand at the first attempt
School playing fields — and the obscure games that used to happen on them, such as cricket, rugby and hockey
National Health dentists, which could be financed by deductions from our wages — the deductions could be called “national insurance contributions”
People who help you with your luggage at railway stations — they could be called “porters”
Lady tennis players who don’t grunt
Not addressing people whom you don’t know by their first names — especially if you are trying to sell them something over the telephone
Being able to see starry skies in cities
January sales that started in January
Substitutes only for injured players in rugby and football
CDs that aren’t called “The Essential Collection”
Rag and bone men
TV newsreaders who sit still behind desks and read the news, rather than spinning round like maniacs and firing inane questions at reporters in exotic locations who have nothing useful to add anyway (an ITV trend which BBC has now started to follow)
Clothes for women with curves, rather than for well-dressed hunger strikers
The concept of being solely responsible for your own health, behaviour, punctuality and finances
An organisation of people’s representatives that regularly held the Government to account and stopped it acting in a high-handed way — we could call it something like the “House of Commons”
Small tins of paint
Bank managers who recognise their customers and perhaps even know their name
Clean, open public lavatories in every town and railway station, preferably staffed
Airfix kits — and people with the patience to do them
Whistling postmen and milkmen
Milkmen of any sort
Cinemas that give you two feature films, a newsreel and an intermission for your money
Cinema usherettes who walked elegantly, backwards, down aisles while displaying illuminated tubs of ice cream
A maximum wage for professional footballers
Alf Ramsay and Bobby Moore
The brilliantly simple idea of quenching your thirst with tap water
Spangles
People who don’t mind going grey gracefully
Bicycle bells and mudguards
The label “Made in Britain” on anything — from clothes and food to cars, toys and games
Tommy Cooper, Eric Morecambe and Tony Hancock

TV Notes

Just watched the High Hopes Christmas special on BBC1. Whilst its set, Satellite City-style, in the Rhondda, all of the scenes were filmed in Ebbw Vale town centre.

Link of the Week

Ebbw Vale Today is a newish site which has lots of local information - news, weather, and lots of photographs of Ebbw Vale. Worth looking at to see how some things have changed. When I drove through town after the Maesteg game I noticed that the newly refurbished multi-storey car park is nowadays it up like a belisha beacon at night.

Opik Notes

So Lembit Opik MP has split with Sian Lloyd after sordid tabloid revelations on the weekend. He’s been “going out” with one of the Cheeky Girls, clearly for her sparkling intellect.

Welsh weather girl Sian Lloyd’s story is here, and the Cheeky Girl’s story is everywhere. OK, so he’s not so bright after all.

Squirrel Notes

Yes, by popular demand, it’s back. With the ridiculously warm autumn the squirrels have had no need to be raiding the bird table yet – there’s plenty of rich pickings to be had in the park yet. Walking through the park to the train station this morning I saw dozens of evil grey squirrels busily collecting their nuts for the winter. I’m sure that the invasion of the bird table isn’t far away now.

Amongst the birds visiting our table we have a robin as a regular visitor in the mornings – very festive.

Restaurant Notes

Cath and I visited the Foxhunter in Nantyderry the other night with Jon & B. I’d vaguely heard of it and might have been there many years ago. I might still not have if it hadn’t won an award in the True Taste of Wales awards. It’s the Eating Out in Wales South East region winner.

Very good scoff too, although to my mind a bit too pretentious.

Rugby Notes

The sun shone down on Eugene Cross Park on Saturday, but the rugby did not match the conditions. Nevertheless, Ebbw Vale managed to grind out a dour win over Maesteg, 18-15. I guess it’s a good sign that they can play badly and still win. Coupled win a Newport loss we go back to the top of the table & will be there until at least Boxing Day, when we play at Llandovery.

Scorers: Tries for Andrew Bevan and Ian George, a conversion and a penalty for Dai Langdon, one penalty by Sam Mills.

Highlights: Not too many, but Bevan’s opportunist try from a tap penalty was one.

Lowlights: Andrew McLaughlan’s silly yellow carding for impeding the Maesteg winger following up his kick.

The current table and lots more on Graham’s fan site.

Fantasy NFL Notes

Made it through the fantasy semi-final last weekend, winning big 89-37, again riding Romo, Tomlinson and Frank Gore. The final this weekend is against Colts Rule, who has a team heavy with Dallas players but has the evil Peyton Manning at the helm. They must be stopped.

I wonder if I can get reception here?

We’re at the top of the tallest mobile phone mast in all of France, also known as the Eiffel Tower. The guy in the queue for the lift is serious. It’s a good snapshot of the tourist sights of Paris though – people of all countries and IQs.

It seems to me that it’s a little less chaotic than London, which nowadays seems permanently thronged with tourists, making a simple task like walking down any shopping thoroughfare almost unbearable.

Cath and I, together with Cath’s mum and dad, flew BA from Bristol for a long weekend away. The flight took 50 minutes; the bus from Charles de Gaulle to the centre of Paris took longer. The flight was interesting, described as a “sporting wind”. In other words, blowing a gale.

Spent the entire weekend doing all the usual tourist stuff – the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Arc de Triomphe (not exactly sure which war they’re celebrating – must be an old monument!), the Champs Elysees, the Sacre Coeur, Montmartre and a Bataeux-Mouche on the Seine.

The hotel Best Western Derby had views of the Eiffel Tower, provided that you open the window and hang out of it in a perilous fashion. Well worth it though for the on-the-hour light displays on the Tower, sparkly stylee!

The food and wine were excellent, and the service friendly - not at all what the stereotypes suggest. Translating the menus was interesting, but we usually wound up with something good. Wild boar casserole with pasta was the highlight.

The highlight of the weekend was getting a taste of how Parisians and their children enjoy the Christmas festivities. The annual Christmas window display at the department store Galeries Lafayette is a Paris tradition, and did not disappoint. The muupet style Pigs in Space display seemed the most populr. Eating roasted chestnuts whilst enjoying the mobile displays really did feel like the start of Christmas.

Festive Notes

The Christmas decorations at the Welsh Assembly Government offices in Cathays Park are so minimal as to be apologetic. There’s a single Christmas tree, wedged in the corner of the reception area, and nothing else.

In being on one hand afraid of upsetting wither the politically correct multi-faith view of the world some loonies have, yet on the other not wanting to get the Daily Mail ranting “Wales cancels Christmas”, they have ended up with a half-arsed compromise.

At least the staff know what to do: festive bunting and Christmas trees decorate most of the offices and cubes across the building.

Travel Notes

Overheard a guy buying his ticket from the conductor on the morning train: “A return to Cardiff please.” “Where from?” “Where I got on.”

I fear for the world.

Coffeenerdness

The French café au lait coffee is wonderfully strong, so I guess their espressos must be like a shot of pure adrenaline.

Link of the Week

My local watering hole, The Bunch of Grapes, is one of three pubs owned by Otley Brewing. The other two are The Otley Arms in Treforest (“O Block” of my university days) and The Rickards Arms Hotel, also in Treforest.

Most amazingly though in this day and age of globalisation is that they run their own brewery in Pontypridd. There’s a good list of beers to be had, and its well worth making the trip to Ponty to sample a few of them.

Viz Notes

Without a shadow of doubt the highlight of each edition of Viz is the Letterbocks section. Here’s a letter from last month’s edition: “Posh Spice recently revealed in an exclusive interview that she ‘wishes that she could be anonymous’. Don’t we all? PS. The irony of saying such a thing during the course of an exclusive interview was clearly lost on her.”

And from the Top Tips section: “Elderly drivers. Pressing the pedal on your right will make your car go a little faster. Forget all that nonsense about suffocating at speeds above 15mph, it was all a myth.”

Rugby Notes

Ebbw Vale played out their second draw of the season at Neath on Saturday. Both draws have been against Neath, and both have been 23-23. What a bizarre coincidence.

Scorers: Tries for wings Andrew Bevan and Simon Hunt and fly half Sam Mills, one conversion and two penalties for Mills also. He missed another five kicks though in a game which we were 14 points up in with 20 minutes to go and should have been further ahead.

Maesteg at home this coming Saturday in what should be a mudbath unless it stops raining soon.

Ice Hockey Notes

Went to see the Cardiff Devils last Wednesday at their new arena. There was a very good crowd, with lots of drums to keep the noise level up. Cardiff duly produced the goods and dispatched the Manchester Phoenix 7-4. Great entertainment. I suspect that the stream of home games over the festive period may help Cardiff up the table.

Fantasy Football Notes

Another good win to end the regular season last weekend, this time 111-39. Finished the league as champion, but that’s only part of the season. Now it’s the last four in the playoffs. Hopefully LT, Antonio Gates and Donald Driver can have another good week.

Home from home

Went and bought a caravan last week. Or more accurately, a static holiday home. It’s on the Gwalia Falls site in Tresaith, just up the road from Aberporth. It’s got views over Cardigan Bay, and it’s a five minute walk down the hill to Tresaith beach (and the local pub, The Ship). Can’t wait to be spending many a weekend down west come the spring and summer.

I have to say that I had the usual stereotypical views of caravans, as being pokey and lacking in any modern conveniences. My eyes were opened by a quick visit to a few caravan parks in West Wales last month. Ours is 32 feet long, with proper plumbing and a full-size shower, a fully-equipped kitchen and 2 separate bedrooms. It’s even wired for digital TV and has wi-fi internet access on the way.

Our newly acquired second home is an Atlas Ruby Super, and whilst this isn’t the exact layout, the style and size is the same and it gives a good feel for the place.

Movie Notes

Went to see Casino Royale on Saturday night. Thoroughly good entertainment and a great return for the James Bond franchise. Daniel Craig is a convincing 007, even if some of the action scenes are a little preposterous.

Nice to see that the Bond girl was an accountant from the Treasury, giving the rest of us civil servants a new role model. OK, not a perfect role model – after all, she sold out to the baddies by the end of the movie.

BTW, whatever happened to the Pearl and Dean movie adverts of my youth?

Choc Ice?

Choc Ice? have just played their Christmas concert to a sold out crowd at Dempseys in Cardiff. The usual wonderful mix of talent and mayhem was on display, and as usual there was nothing finer than the encore song, a Yorkshireman version of Bohemian Rhapsody. They were supported by country outfit the Cotton Pickin´ Critters and Dutch rockers Maximum Metallica.

The Critters and Choc Ice? will be appearing our wedding, so be prepared!

Rugby Notes

Travelled to Llanelli on Saturday. Ebbw Vale lost 13-17 to the Reds (well, they can’t be the Scarlets can they? That’s the “regional” team – their word, not mine.)

Ebbw gave a first start to Dragons Academy outside half Dai Langdon. Overall, I though he played well but he missed a couple of first half penalties which in the end made the difference.

We dominated up front and led for the first 70 minutes, but didn’t finish chances when they presented themselves. Whilst we didn’t play well, this was one we should have won.

The crowd at Stradey Park was dismal. There were clearly more Ebbw fans than Reds. That they offered the argument that the Scarlets were on TV against Sale (BTW, good work Kingsley) speaks volumes about the farce that is regional rugby in that part of the world. I’m sure this wasn’t a big worry for Llandovery and the other teams in West and North Wales.

A Newport win takes them back above us on try count.

In other shock rugby news, Ebbw Vale actually was featured on Scrum V. Nice interview with Alan Evans on the team bus too.

Scorers: Try for Andrew Bevan, conversion and 2 penalties for Dai Langdon

Highlight: Another good performance at scrum and lineout

Lowlight: A worrying number of injuries: hopefully none of them are too serious, with another key match (at Neath) coming up this Saturday.

Rally Notes

Marcus Gronholm won the Wales Rally GB last weekend. Stages were held in the Swansea valley and above Carmarthen and Llandovery as well as a big showpiece stage in the Millennium Stadium. It seemed to me, though, that the TV coverage was pretty thin on the ground.

Ice Hockey Notes

The Cardiff Devils are finally coming home. Allegedly. They have been playing in exile since their home, the Cardiff National Ice Rink, was demolished at the end of last season to make way for another shopping development. Sophia Gardens was rejected as a possible temporary home (by the same disgruntled residents currently fighting the cricket ground expansion). Eventually a site near Cardiff Bay was found, and the Devils were due to play their first home game of the season last Saturday.

The game was called off just one hour before face-off when they couldn’t get the ice surface ready – apparently there was sand showing through the ice. Next game ought to be this Wednesday.

All the fixtures and directions to the new venue can be found on their website.

Fantasy NFL Notes

Huge fantasy NFL win over the Thanksgiving weekend. In a stroke of genius I picked up free agent Tony Romo, the Dallas Cowboys quarterback, and he then proceeded to have one of the best games that anyone could on Thanksgiving Day. He threw 5 TD passes and racked up 36 points for me. Everyone else contributed too, and I won by a record score (for me anyway) 131-59. The highest score in the league before this explosion was 98.

By comparison, this weekend I squeaked by, winning 58-44. Romo came crashing down to earth, giving me just a single point. But LaDainian Tomlinson is Mr consistent and earned me a difference-making 20 points.

There’s just one week left before the fantasy playoffs, and I reckon I’m guaranteed top place in the playoff rankings.

5 minute interview

I have been profiled in this month’s in-house magazine Seren (not in the way you profile serial killers, though). The sub-editing managed to ruin most of the attempted jokes; they clearly thought that being a civil servant and having a sense of humour were mutually exclusive. So here, for those who care, is the full, un-butchered profile:

Martin Veale – Risk Improvement Manager

What is your main job role?
To lead on the development of risk management in the Welsh Assembly Government. We have made significant inroads over the past few years, and the proper structures and processes are now in place, but there’s still a long way to go to get all staff thinking about risks during the course of their daily jobs. My focus is to raise awareness of risks, how to spot them and how to manage them.

What do you enjoy about your job?
Being in a role where I can help others to do their jobs. It’s very wide-ranging. I interact with lots of different people and I have to know a lot about the workings of the Assembly Government.

What drives you mad about your job?
It’s often difficult to find out who is the right person to talk to and I can’t bear out of office email responses along the lines of ‘I’m on leave and your email has been deleted’. How does that help communications?

Where would you like your department to be in five years?
Being the best it can be. Somewhere where there are no surprises and things are properly planned and managed. Somewhere where there’s no need for a risk manager – because everybody does risk management every day without thinking.

What’s your favourite book?
Bill Bryson’s The Lost Continent and Stephen King’s Faithful – his diary of the 2004 Boston Red Sox season.

My biggest influence is...
Geoff Boycott, who taught me to get by with what you’ve got, make the most of your talents, and play a forward defensive.

My proudest moment was...
April 28 next, when I get married to my fiancée Cath.

The best thing my parents taught me was...
Play fair. Don’t hit other people. Put things back where you found them. Say sorry when you hurt someone. Clean up your own mess. Flush.

What’s the first thing you’d do if you won the lottery?
Shout ‘Woohoo!’, then pay off the mortgage (a good accountant’s answer) and book tickets for the winter Ashes series down under.

Link of the week

Beaufort Hill Ponds and Woodland Preservation Society is a new organisation set up following the demise of Corus in the Ebbw Vale area to preserve the local ponds and surrounding area. The ponds were built back in the 1800s to supply water to the local iron (and later steel) works. The area starts at the pond at the top of Highlands Road in Beaufort and leads up to the Heads of the Valleys Road.

Coffeenerdness

I succumbed to my first eggnog latte of the festive season at Starbucks in the Llantrisant Borders bookstore the other night. I think that I’ll be beating a regular path to the store for the next month or so.

Obviously keen to take a break from training for tomorrow's All Blacks game, Wales captain Stephen Jones, Martin Williams, Gethin Jenkins, Kevin Morgan and Rhys Thomas were in Starbucks. They had a quiet coffee and signed a few autographs.

Fantasy Football Notes

LaDainian Tomlinson couldn’t do it all on his own this past weekend. He hoovered up 32 points with 4 touchdowns for the San Diego Chargers on Sunday night, but the rest of my team could only manage 37 between them. Still joint top though at 7-3-1.

Hotel Notes

It’s the second time in a week that I’ve stayed at the Macdonald Holland House Hotel in Cardiff. Last week was the CIPFA in Wales conference. This time around it was the annual training conference of the Traffic Commissioners (they adjudicate on the granting and revoking of operating licences for haulage and bus contractors). I’ve been appointed as a (very) part-time financial assessor to the Traffic Commissioners.

Anyway, the hotel is on Newport Road, its quite new and very swish. It's not often that you walk into a hotel bedroom and wonder where the bed is! It had a sofa and a couple of easy chairs, a whiz-bang flat screen TV/computer and wifi access. Highly recommended, but I suspect not cheap.

TV Notes

It’s a pleasure to hear Ritchie Benaud back on TV. He’s doing the BBC highlight package of the Ashes tour. The other commentators include Tony “make them grovel” Grieg and my hero, Geoff Boycott. The commentary makes the sound trashing being handed out by the Aussies thus far more bearable.

Rugby Notes

Gerald Davies was booked to be the after dinner speaker at the CIPFA Wales conference last week. I wasn’t looking forward to listening to another Cardiff-centric lecture on how rugby should be run, but thankfully I didn’t have to. Thomas Gerald Reames Davies was a no-show. He’s got time to meander down memory lane for Scrum V and be in the stands for the Canada game, but clearly not enough to send his apologies to the conference.

The host of the evening did his best to embarrass him in his absence, reading his thank you note despite Davies not being there to be thanked. He also did the old Max Boyce joke: “How fast was Gerald Davies, dad?” “He was so fast that he could turn out the bedroom light and be in bed before it was dark.”

More from the Maldives

The Maldives are over a thousand coral islands scattered across the Indian Ocean, covering 500 miles of seas just north of the equator. Its north-east to India, west to Africa and south to the Antarctic. (http://countrystudies.us/maldives/2.htm)

The islands are in clusters, or atolls, surrounded by barrier reefs. These reefs are the dividing line between the deep sea and the pale blue shallow lagoons that are such perfect conditions for snorkelling and diving.

And here’s the link to the hotel itself. A bunch of my photos are on my Flickr website.

Water Notes

1. Just standing on the jetty we saw stingrays, baby reef sharks and fish of all shapes and sizes. It’s like having your own aquarium, but way better.

2. Tried snorkelling on our second day. The resort provided us with snorkels, masks and fins. No sooner had Cath and I stepped down off our deck into the water than a neighbour spotted a turtle. He was probably about four feet long, and a remarkable sight to see. We managed to swim with the turtle for several hundred yards; the turtle swimming gracefully and me trying not to drown in my excitement. One of the highlights of the trip.

3. To preserve fish stocks, no net or trawler fishing is allowed in the Maldives. This leaves far more fish for the island’s resident grey heron. Each night we saw him waiting patiently on the bottom step of the jetty, watching the fish that are attracted to the area by the lights.

It’s a perfect lesson in patience; he waits for a fish to come close enough and near to the surface before he strikes. He must have stood in the same spot for 20 minutes before diving in after a fish. The hapless fish was brought back up onto the jetty before being swallowed whole, headfirst. Just like in the cartoons, you could see the shape of the fish in the heron’s neck as it went down!

4. The resort arranges boat trips every day out to one of the nearby reefs so that we could go snorkelling. I had some misgivings about stepping off a boat into deep water (I’ve studiously avoided watching Jaws and Open Water in the run up to his holiday). New friends Ian and Tracy were dab hands though and we quickly took to snorkelling like ducks (or fish) to water. The vast array of fish and the sheer number of them completed boggled me. There were times when I couldn’t see the sea bed for schools of fish. As one guy on the trip said, “it’s like swimming in fish soup”.

These one hour trips quickly became one of the high spots of the holiday, and each time there seemed to be different types of fish to see.

I was even lucky enough to see and eagle ray swim underneath me. At the time I had visions of Steve Irwin’s demise flashing through my mind. The ray must have been six feet across, and came over the reef directly in front of me. Before I had a chance to panic, it simple followed the reef downwards and in a matter of seconds was out of sight in the deep waters.

These websites give a good idea of the variety of sea life and their stunning colours (http://www.divetrip.com/maldphot.htm and http://www.southtravels.com/asia/maldives/fishwatch.html).

Glove Notes

I thought everyone would know that the coral reefs are fragile and shouldn’t be damaged. Especially if you’ve travelled thousands of miles to see them firsthand. But no.

The regular lowlight of these snorkel trips was the way in which a small minority of guests though it was perfectly OK to stand on the coral, and even the one idiot clinging on to the coral to take his underwater photographs. It was hardly an accident; he even had “dive gloves” on for exactly that purpose. Han(d)s seemed not to care about the damage he caused as long as he got his picture. Many more like him and there won’t be anything left to take pictures of.

Monsoon Notes

In fairness, when it rains, it really rains. The kind of rain that soaks you in a minute or less. All you can do is batten down the hatches and ride the storm out.

Sitting on the beach we could see the clouds building, bigger than usual – dark grey and flat at the bottom and tall and fluffy white higher up. And heading our way. It was early afternoon when the rain engulfed the nearby island: time to beat a hasty retreat to the bar. And rain it did, for six hours solid. In a very unscientific measurement a one-inch deep ashtray filled with rainwater in 20 minutes. Best to stay indoors and read a book. Or write a blog.

Only one complete day lost to rain, although other downpours came in the evenings and overnight occasionally.

Star Notes

One thing that you notice in the Maldives is how many more stars you can see. Thankfully, there’s very little light pollution, and so the sky is wonderfully clear.

Instead of the usual hundreds of stars that can be seen from a typical British city, there are thousands visible. Nebula clouds and the Milky Way are visible with the naked eye. We even saw some shooting stars.

Cocktail Notes

Sunday night was cocktail night. Head barman Fernando was in charge of knocking out some of the most lethal concoctions known to man.

We sampled Arrack Colada (Sri Lankan coconut rum), Deep Sea, Brandy Alexander and the wonderfully mistyped Shandy Lady. The general recipe was: lots of local booze, more booze, ice, fruit juice and a slice of pineapple to garnish. Marvellous. The walkways back to the water bungalows seem a bit narrower after a few drinks though. Needless to say I’m a bit fragile writing these notes the next morning.

And then of course there was the night we set fire to the waiter

Karen orders a B-52, a lethal concoction of Baileys, Kahlua and Cointreau. The waiter brings it to our table lit with the alcohol burning merrily. By the time he gets to us though some of the booze has been spilt and the outside of the glass and his tray are on fire too. Undeterred, he serves the flaming glass and in the process sets fire to his hand. We sit be bemused silence while he shakes his hand, trying to extinguish it.

“Scorch” is very good about it all and smiles through the pain. By this time, of course, the straw has melted and laughter erupts. Good cocktail though, and no lasting damage to our waiter.

Travel Notes

1. Qatar Airways is one of the best (if not the best) airline to fly with. Even in cattle class there was miles of leg room, really good food and in-flight entertainment second to none – over 50 on-demand movies, a couple of hundred CDs from which to create personal playlists, and games too.

Ray was content to build a playlist that met his high musical standards, Karen played Tetris, Cath watched Jaws and I just endlessly fiddled with the technology.

2. Male International Airport takes up its own island, just a short boat ride away from Male itself. The runway is the only one in the world which starts and ends at the sea. From there to the resort it’s a seaplane transfer (www.tma.com.mv). It’s a 40 minute flight in a 20-seater Twin Otter piloted by an Aussie dropout in bare feet. Magnificent views of the atolls and lagoons: what a great way to get an idea of the sheer isolation of these islands.

The seaplane transfer at the end of the holiday was even more spectacular. We asked the pilot if he would do a low flyover of the island so that we could get a last look. He agreed, in retrospect a little too readily.

He proceeded to buzz the island, giving a wonderful last photo opportunity. He then flew the next ten miles or so at palm tree height, skimming the nearby islands and coral reefs. It was a truly wonderful end to a great holiday. I guess it just goes to show that there’s no harm in asking. All the while the barefoot pilot (Sri Lankan this time) had a big grin on his face. If you’re going to be a pilot then that is a great place to do it.

3. It’s amazing how people from some lands are hell-bent on getting onto the plane first. As the plane won’t go before everyone is on board, I guess the attraction is simply the opportunity to annex the overhead lockers.

4. I lament the demise of the airline peanut.

Rugby Notes

It looks like I missed Ebbw rugby more than they missed me when I was away. Two good wins (23-13 at home over Pontypridd and 21-19 at the evil empire, Cardiff) kept Ebbw near the top of the table.

Saturday’s win over Glamorgan Wanderers combined with Newport’s loss at Llanelli means that Ebbw Vale GO TOP! The 39-22 scoreline doesn’t do justice to the one-sided nature of the game. If a few more passes had gone to hand it could easily have been a 50-pointer.

Scorers: 5 tries in all, for Aiono, Shelbourne, Cleaver, Hunt and Dan Phillips. 2 penalties and 4 conversions for Sam Mills. Mills is starting to show in the overall point scorers table, and Bevan, McLaughlin and Hunt now all have 4 tries on the season.

Highlight: Great piece of cornerflagging from Kristian Gay to save a try.

Lowlight: Yet another yellow card for Nio Aiono.

Fantasy Football Notes

LaDamien Tomlinson of the San Diego Chargers must have a bad back from carrying my fantasy football team on it week after week. The three weekends I was away he scored 29, 27 and 31 points. The only other players that featured were Ahman Green of the Packers (18 in week 8), Marques Colston of the Saints (12 in week 9) and Donald Driver of the Packers (15 in week 10).

I’m now 7-2-1 (7 wins, 2 losses and a tie) and tied for first place in my league with a Colts fan.

Paradise in the Maldives

Just back from my hols in a little bit of paradise known as the Maldives.

The hotel/resort was called the Chaaya Lagoon, formerly known as the Hakuraa Club. It’s an island of its own (as many hotel/resorts are in the Maldives).

The only way on or off the island is by seaplane or by dhoni, the local boats. Its protected from the Indian Ocean by the coral reef which forms the boundary of the atoll – on one side of the island its about 200 yards away. There are no cars, and the only sound is that of the waves breaking on the distant reef – very soothing.

The island has 70 water bungalows, built on stilts over the lagoon and connected to the island by a series of walkways. There are 10 beach bungalows just back off the gently sweeping crescent-shaped beach. One restaurant and two bars, a gym and a spa complete the amenities. But, as an island, it has to provide its own water and power; so there’s a generator and a desalination plant hidden amongst the palm trees.

The water is shallow (wading deep) for hundreds of yards in all directions, making it perfect for snorkellers. The water gets deeper at the end of the jetty where the planes land and where the scuba divers hang out.

The island is no more than a couple of feet above sea level, and stood no chance when the tsunami hit on Boxing Day 2004. The wave reached 10 feet high and destroyed everything. Staff and guests waited out on the roof of the restaurant until boats could be arranged to evacuate them to a neighbouring island that wasn’t as badly affected, and were eventually rescued by the Pakistan navy. It’s a miracle that only one person was killed on the island that day.

The resort got rebuilt in less than a year, and is a truly wonderful place. They say that the marine life will take longer to recover, however. I Saw proof positive of the marine life on the daily snorkelling boat trips out to a nearby reef. Whilst there’s dead coral (caused as much by the 1998 El Nino as the tsunami) there’s also lots of coral thriving, in all shapes and colours. And there’s thousands of fish too.

Lots more notes to come in the next week or so, but in the meantime there’s plenty more pictures on my Flickr website. There’s a link on the right.