"When I die I want my remains to go to my iPod, my iPhone and my laptop. I want to be left to my own devices." Gareth Richards
"I'll never forget the day when I got a rear-view mirror installed for the car. I never looked back after that!" Jimmy Cricket
"I find that ants over-praise me. Sycophants? Yes I am." Tim Vine
And a few off the telly:
"The Scots released Al-Magrahi because he only had three months left to live. That still made him one of the healthiest people in Scotland." Frankie Boyle
"How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts? Wi' jam in!" Peter Kay
"I spilled spot remover on my dog.. he's gone now." Stephen Wright
Notice that there's nothing by Michael Macintyre here. There's a simple reason...
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