Friday, March 13, 2009

Accountancy Notes

I was sent these jokes today as part of Red Nose Day.

Three candidates are short listed for the accountant's job. They're all equally excellent, experienced and personable, etc. So the chairman asks each the simple question "what is two and two?"

The first replies "Four"
The second replies "Statistically anything between 3.999 and 4.0111"
The third replies "Well what figure have you got in mind?"

Needless to say, The third guy got the job.

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

The accountant was visiting the Museum of Natural History and said to the person standing next to him, "That dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old."
"How did you get such exact information?"
"I was here ten months ago and the guide said the dinosaur was two billion years old."

Q. What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
A. Depreciation.

Q. What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
A. Someone who has a loophole named after him.

Q. What do accountants use for contraception?
A. Their personalities.


Eye Jay said...

And there's plenty more where that came from....


Martin Veale said...

There's also the one about a man who crash lands his balloon in a field. He shouts to a passer-by "Where am I?" The passer-by replies "You're in a balloon in the middle of a field." "You're an accountant, aren't you?" asks the balloonist. "Yes, how could you tell?" "Well, the information you gave me was accurate, but completely bloody useless!"